You say you want to be healed,
But everyday you wake up
You take a knife to your wounds
And cloak yourself in the trauma of your pain.
Refusing any alternative.
You wail through the streets
With blood stained garments
Making a scene of your suffering every place you go….
A chorus of complaints arise from your heart
Assaulting the Sovereignty of Source
It’s his fault
It’s her fault
It’s God’s fault
You seethe with wrath on the inside.
Drowning in the gloom of your misery,
gasping for a single breath….
You struggle to free yourself from
tightly gripped fingers that [seem to]
strangle the life from your neck and
object to the violence that attacks
But it is overruled.
How can you object to the pain when
are the source of the sadism?
You SAY you want to be healed…
I regularly hold personal reflection sessions to check in with myself. During these sessions, my subconscious/soul/Spirit – whatever you deem it – challenges my Ego (via mental discussion) to face itself.
During these sessions, I challenge my Ego to see through the trauma, beyond the pain – so I can move forward in my efforts at healing. This took some patience, discipline, and a lot of humility on my part.
I had this huge problem with seeing everything through the lens of my traumas. This allowed me to justify ANY and EVERYTHING I did to people, no matter how much it hurt…it also allowed me to avoid taking responsibility for my actions.
I called it “being real” and pegged it as “being tough”, but the reality is I was a super afraid, insecure, little girl who felt abandoned, unheard, unloved, confused and extremely alone. I was so traumatized by certain experiences in my life that I was stuck in a loop, battling terrors that were no longer there.
I desperately needed the light of love and compassion, friendship, and support; but to admit that need was to admit to being “weak”, and I absolutely was not about to do that!
Oh no honey. My PAIN made me strong and my ability to endure the trauma in secret and silence made me stronger….or so I lied.
I became adept at playing the role like everyone else…
When hurt, you act like it don’t matter. Never act like you care more than another person – especially when you do. Never admit fault. Never consider your role in the situation. And no matter what…ALWAYS play the victim in these streets.
I made my trauma my life and lost myself in the darkness.
Ego said I deserved to feel the way I felt, I had a right to my misery…and that may be true. But what I also know to be true is this:
You can’t be healed if you keep ripping open your wounds to play the victim every chance you get.
You HAVE to choose.
Do you want the freedom and peace of healing?
Or do you want the bondage and torment of holding on to your pain?
I know someone reading this is thinking, you have no idea the kinds of trauma I’ve endured! You’re right. I do not. But what I know is pain is universal, trauma is too. Whatever your trauma, I guarantee there’s another like you. Whatever your pain I guarantee there’s someone who has journeyed through the dark night of the soul and come out on the other side…I promise you, though you feel completely alone and isolated in your pain/trauma – you are not.
There are so many people who feel as you do, sadly. I do not say this to minimize your experience, but to help you understand that part of your healing comes in recognizing you aren’t alone in your experience.
Trauma alone is isolating. It makes it difficult to trust, connect, relax, enjoy life. You live in a constant state of stress, constantly scanning your environment for threats, unable to let go and just “be”.
It’s an exhausting existence. But you do it, because you’ve done it for so long you don’t know how to NOT. You say it’s “just the way you are”, but it’s actually your line of defense. A self made prison you lock yourself in under the lie that freedom (healing) is much too risky, and not worth the effort. But that’s a lie!
Truth is, misery really does love company – attention too – but you have the responsibility to choose the company you keep. That includes those things you allow to accompany and illuminate your soul on this journey of life.
And someone asks, so where do I begin….
It’s so simple that it’s damn near insulting, but that doesn’t make it any less true
CHOOSE, TO DO WHATEVER WORK IS NECCESSARY TO MOVE FORWARD.
CHOOSE, TO LIVE OUTSIDE THE SHADOWS OF YOUR TRAUMA.
That’s right. That’s it.
YOU simply CHOOSE.
You did not choose to be the victim of your trauma(s) he first time around, but when you allow that trauma to dictate your existence and steal the light from your soul, you choose to remain one. You are NOT your pain, no matter how great that pain may be – you are not it.
It is a tragic thing to be traumatized by circumstances beyond your help. It is even more tragic when the one who survives allows the memory of the moment to continue traumatizes his/herself.
Shed the trauma, recieve life. Your healing begins with the choice.