My first crush was a grown ass woman.
I didn’t know a thing about lesbians or gay people, but I knew I liked the curves of this woman’s body in a way that the other girls didn’t. I also instinctively knew not to say a damn thing about it to anyone.
I didn’t feel anything was wrong with me or wrong with my feelings. I just felt…different and I knew other people wouldn’t understand. Little girls were supposed to like little boys, not other girls. So, I did what others thought I should do. I dated guys…and made a big production of it.
Except, I’ve never been one to walk to the beat of another person’s drum. No matter how hard I try something inside of me eventually rises up and declares an end to the bullshit. I have the kind of spirit that has to live authentically — or not at all. To conform simply for the sake of conforming was – to me – a slow and agonizing death. So, you can imagine my turmoil when my feelings for women began to overtake any interest I feigned in men.
For me, guys were a dime a dozen and held little interest. My mother even commented on my ability to throw a boy away without a second thought….or a tear
…or even a shrug….But women? Chileeeeeee I laid out in sackcloth and ashes after my first lesbian breakup – put a pin in that though, that’s another story for another #ThrowbackThursdayWithTristaDaniell
It all started with these two girls we’ll call V and C- who I now recognize were what we call “studs”, but I didn’t know the lingo at the time. What I DID KNOW was how much I LOVED being around them both. I’d heard rumors around the school the girls were “bulldykes”, but I had no idea what that meant (for one), and even though I knew it was supposed to make me not like them, I really didn’t care.
I had my first dream about doing more than kissing a girl when I met V. Still, she never came at me like that…I mean NEVER 🙄. She was too busy fawning over my very pretty – also skinny – long haired, lighter skinned, super f***ing sweet, girl-next-door type, school bestie. And me? I was “tha homie”.
I heard they kissed.
I was rather perturbed.
After that I didn’t have much time for that friendship.
I was a very petty girl.
(Thank God for deliverance!)
Still, I didn’t realize my “feelings” for women were more than passing thoughts until high school. There were a few (about four) girls at my high school whom I thought were drop dead gorgeous and wouldn’t have minded planting a kiss or two….
[SN: If you’re a nosey ass classmate come to read this and wanna know who it was, IT WASN’T YOUUUUUUUUU 😂😂😂😂😂 (seriously, it wasn’t)].
…but none compared to the girl from my ***********. I can’t tell where she’s from because those who know me will figure it out and the gir– wait, nope can’t say that either cause that’ll give it away. Let’s just call her tomboi- because that’s exactly what she was.
So, tomboi and I were cordial. Tomboi was popular, but I was not. We did not run in the same circles. Tomboi was stylish,confident, charming, cool. I was the exact opposite.
Everytime she came around I found myself looking at her, staring at her from the corner of my eye. She seemed happiest when she wasn’t being forced into dresses – she was also much friendlier then. Now I understand why.
She had a boyfriend once. Didn’t last but a second. I only think she dated him because they liked to play football and hang out together. I remember being mad because she was dating him. They thought it was because I liked the boy, it was not.
I never said anything to tomboi, for more reasons than one….but mainly because I knew even if she did like girls, she wouldn’t like me….trust me, tomboi was waaaaay out of my league.
I left for college in the fall of 2001, but came back home two months later (if that). When asked why I came home, I declared (in church) that I’d abandoned my school because “they allowed a homosexual to lead the praise dance team and taught that the bible was not true!”
…no, ya’ll don’t understand….let me set this up:
PICTURE IT….SUNDAY MORNING IN HOUSTON, TX, FALL OF 2001: I paraded my (at the time) wide, worther’s colored ass (my wife calls me that 😂) up to the front of a church full of people and blasted Dillard University under the guise of “offending my holiness”.
Chileeeee, I lieeeeddd all the way through that thang!
I left out the part about my extra-curricular activities while away. Then had the nerve to declare I was going into youth ministry to “save my peers”…..
Mannn….it’s a wonder the Lord didn’t strike me where I stood. But, S/He (God) has Her/His reasons, seasons, and ways…..
I ended up moving to North Carolina where I served as a youth leader of a teen group at a mid-sized Charlotte, NC church. I enjoyed the work. Loved helping the teens. Adored working in ministry!
In all this, my feelings for women were growing more intense.
Nevertheless, I focused myself on ministry (note I said ministry, NOT GOD – two different things). Faked interest in finding a “husband” (and not just any husband, a future pastor!) while I continued strolling the lesbian chat rooms. That is…until she walked in.
SHE was V, C, and Tomboi wrapped in one. She wasn’t as pretty as any of them…in fact, she looked like a popular male rapper (in the face). I am sure it sounds awkward when you think of it from a feminine perspective, but honestly, it worked well for the androgynous look. I immediately dug it. Like, immediately.
And here posed the problem.
The girl (whom we will call Carolina since I met her in NC) was at the church because she was in trouble for doing lesbian thangs.
…and here I was running from lesbian thangs….
….and now here WE WERE looking at each other,thinking about….you guessed it…
Lesbian thangs (spelling on purpose)!
I knew from the moment we locked eyes it was going to happen – I don’t know how I knew, but I knew…I just knew. She hadn’t said two words to me, I didn’t even know the girl was gay – but I knew she and me….were gonna be a “we”.
….if only i had known what all that would entail.
Tune in next Thu to find out what happens in The Partially True, Kinda Exaggerated, Mostly Fictional, Coming to Terms Story of a Bipolar Black Lesbian who Loves God ( and who may or may not be named #TristaDaniell)🤷🏾♀️
Thanks for reading!
Pictured: #TristaDaniell at 12…13 or…14…🤔 I really can’t recall. Don’t clown my look, I worked HARD on that outfit 😂😂