So I’ve asked for prayer to know the love of God without doubt so I can develop faith that moves mountains…well God is answering that prayer through John Eldridge’s book, Moving Mountains. Today’s chapter asked me what I believed about God…God’s provision…God’s care for you. Do you believe God is all powerful and near? Or do you think God is far away and unconcerned?
Then it followed up with the question, how do you view yourself in relation to God…basically how do you see yourself when you approach God…as an heir? As a child of God? As a friend to Christ? Or do you see yourself as an orphan or slave?
These things make a difference in how you pray, what you pray, and the level of faith you invest in your prayers.
I wrote out my answers in my journal and WOW. My view of God is seriously distorted for various reasons…and I wasn’t blessed with the example of a loving father…not to mention my biological mother treated me as if I were the Ebola virus and my adopted mom had anger issues through the bulk of my childhood that resulted severe physical emotional abuse (we have since reconciled and she’s apologized praise God). My childhood was ruled by fear and it still influences my adult life (praying for God to heal me from that). Sexual abuse by multiple people over a period of several years added additional trauma. My mom was always stressed, worried about money, her favorite line was “if it ain’t one thing its another” and she often talked about “robbing peter to pay paul” – lack was a constant in my childhood. As an adult, I realize my mom was also depressed due to the continued stress she was under. This isn’t a slight at my mom, she reacted as she had been taught and she was taught-God is a God of just getting by….and you just keep on keeping on…
And that’s just the tip of the stuff that shaped my view of who God is. I don’t see God as all loving and all powerful…I don’t really believe God as God….my view of God is basic…small….tempermental….false. no wonder I have such a hard time receiving God’s love.
Then when they asked my view of how God sees me….well…hmph. I wrote out things like…full of complaint, temperamental, often ungrateful, avoid opportunities to share God’s love, self loathing, doesn’t trust God, doesn’t believe Gods love, filled with guilt because of judgements of men, broken, led by flesh….barely holding on to faith…..thinks God’s love is conditional….she is unworthy of God’s love and provision. Not good enough for miracle prayers….sinful so you deserve struggle….and the list goes on.
How can I have faith in a God I don’t truly know and love and who I don’t believe loves me? Oh man….I dropped and repented right there….
All I can think is, I’m someone who studies the word and prays regularly. I’ve studied God’s word on the university level and STILL I have not grasped the full measure of God’s AGAPE love….so how much less do those who don’t study and don’t pray understand? And what a tragedy this is!
People preaching about cars and houses and we don’t honestly understand God’s love. If we did…if we TRULY believed and walked in God’s love like we claim…oh we’d be doing greater things as Jesus promised….things like raising dead, healing cancer, feeding the hungry masses with two loaves of sunbeam and one box of popeyes chicken… I’m crazy enough to believe this stuff CAN happen ….
But first…WE MUST BELIEVE.
And I know I’m not the only one…..even the disciples didn’t get it until Jesus was gone….