I think people erroneously think at times that I have this super faith….like it’s never shaken….that’s not true. My trust in God is day by day…sometimes minute by minute. Sometimes I don’t even “feel” it. I battle with doubt at times when things don’t go a certain way. I get frustrated seeing people lead lives that don’t at all glorify Him – and yet they continue to prosper. People who claim His name yet their lives don’t reflect this and they attack, slander and lie on those whose lives do. Sometimes I pray and God moves before I even finish. Other times I pray and I await the answer….and await the answer….and even now, I still wait.
There things that people have said about me – horrible things, terrible lies, utter bull crap – for anyone who truly knows me – and being a woman of God I can’t retaliate like I’d done in the past..sometimes God tells me to shuttup altogether and won’t even let me acknowledge the foolishness…though I hear it, every bit of it. Even the words people think are “private”.You think I always want to hold my tongue against the accusations, especially when I know they are untrue? Absolutely not, yet – God reminds me Whose I am and that I am called to act in accordance with His Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and NOT in the ways of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21).
Sometimes I look at the world and see all these people living however they want…. I get glimpses into the world of wealth and see all the frivolous spending of the wealthy who at the same time complain about higher taxes and discounted health insurance – congress members claiming they need a raise….while children of God barely make ends meet…and I have to ask God, how can we reach people in all of this? How can we help people to see you when bills are backed up, baby crying for food, home is in foreclosure and momma aint had a job in 9 months – and her unemployment has run out — I say God….it’s all just too much at times.
So when I talk about my God, don’t think I’m doing it from a place of naivety or I’m some Jesus fanatic who has lost touch reality. I speak from experience as someone who is enduring with God in spite of what my flesh wants to do. And no it’s not always easy. I don’t always “feel like” praying, reading His word, or praising and worshiping….I don’t always want to take the high road and let things go…or be the social outcast when I can’t do the things everyone else does…even when they tell me “oh, it’s okay” because they don’t fully get it…no, it is NOT always fun being the godly one….and sometimes I even wonder if it’s all worth it…
…but when I think of going back to who I used to be – with all those insecurities, all that anger, fear, always wanting to be better than and feeling the need to “prove myself” to people who don’t matter…. the mess, the drama…the fact that I was foolish enough to care and how it all came crashing down without warning…and those people who claimed to care – were actually the ones laughing and sharing with anyone who would listen……..na, nevermind. I’d rather stick with my God – trusting Him with peace in my boring old “Jesus” life…than to be out there in the world stressed, frustrated and pissed off without Him. So, I endure.
You can too, little by little…day by day…minute by minute. And you will get tired, sometimes you’ll question God. Sometimes you might even doubt and think your former life is better – but I encourage you, as a sister in Christ. ENDURE.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”- 1 Peter 5:10