I used to be so mad at God. So mad that I rebelled and refused to heed any type of love, correction, or mercy from Him. I went my own way and did my own thing…but you already know about those things and all I did in rebellion and ignorance towards God. Thinking I was hurting Him when I was really hurting myself more. What I don’t talk about often is the beautiful season I came into (most recently) when I really began to understand God’s love for me and I embraced it, instead of running from it. Ah, it is indeed beautiful. Just four years ago, I couldn’t have said this. Yes, I knew God but I was not completely in His will, still doing things my own way, still fighting against Him instead of flowing with Him allowing Him to do the work in me. As I think back, I see just how foolish I was and how difficult I made things for myself…hindsight is always 20/20 huh? (Proverbs 28:26)
This season, as my Father (Abba) has told me is a season of favor and blessing for me. He is pleased with me. Now I am NOT at all saying I am perfect and I am a saint in the likes of David, Moses, Abraham – not at all…but what I am saying is I am indeed a woman after the very heart of God. I adore Him. I love Him. He is my life, my passion, my dream….I think of Him all the time…. I want to be in His presence I want to know all I can – I want to sit at His feet and learn all I can like Mary (Luke 10:38-42), or lean on Him and call myself “His beloved” like John. (John 13:23) I am IN LOVE, MADLY (according to the world) with God. And it is awesome – what’s even more awesome, I am not ashamed. (Luke 9:26)
BUT, it did happen overnight. Absolutely not, for me. I am stubborn, I can be prideful, I can be self-sufficient apart from God, thinking I know best over Him – I can be hot-headed and uncompassionate, uncaring and defensive, totally overprotective in regards to self…and so much more that are outside of the will of God (1 John 1:8). But in spite of all this, God reached down to deliver me. To make me new, in Him. And for a long time, I fought against His love because I was so angry with God for the life I’d had. All the abuse, abandonment, pain, frustration, unjust situations, lack, rejection…it was SO much wrong in my life from day 1; I just couldn’t bring myself to fully submit to God because I didn’t trust Him. I didn’t see the “good” in Him. So I rebelled and received the due consequences of that rebellion in my life (1 Kings 8:46) hurting myself, grieving His Spirit and hurting others in the process.
Do you know what fighting God is like? Honestly, it’s like putting a loaded gun to your head but, expecting your enemy to die. (Isaiah 14:27) Yep, it’s that serious. I literally attempted to destroy myself running from God and I had no peace because, no matter where I went – the problem was there – ME.
Oh but today, (smiles) today people look at me and they see this woman who is so in love with God and who they believe is “spoiled” and “favored”. Some even have this warped view that I’ve been fed with a silver spoon all my life not knowing I’ve endured terrible things they couldn’t possibly imagine unless they were privy to the details of my life. I’ve had people say, they wish they could be “more like me” and they wish they had “what I have” – my relationship with God, the “anointing” they see on me and this and that – and though kind of them to say those words, I often think to myself – you don’t really want to know what I’ve had to endure to receive these things, to come to this place. And furthermore, if you did, would you still want it? Not many will say yes.
We all talk about the “FAVOR” of God but FAVOR doesn’t come without correction…and correction doesn’t come just to correct – it comes to bring repentance and to discipline. Discipline brings the righteousness of God, the strengthening of your faith, peace in Christ, joy in His strength and total trust in Him – IF (and only IF) you RECEIVE it (it being the discipline) (Proverbs 3:11-12). Sadly, so many fight against it, I know I did many times. I would get right to the point of testing to see how I would endure, if I had learned anything from all the studying, praying, public praise and worship, the sermons I watched, some I taught, books I read and all that other good stuff we do that is supposed to “prove” how “sold out” for God we are. (chuckles). And I’d still fail. Because there was no change in my HEART. (Proverbs 28:14, Luke 6:45, Matthew 15:18, Luke 21:34)
As soon as things got tough, as soon as things didn’t go my way or, the blessing and restoration didn’t come quick enough for me, all hell broke loose and I was the bearer of all the hell! Of course, we can all serve God and be holy as the pope on the Sabbath when things are going great; but, the true test of your faith, love, loyalty, and character in Christ comes when stuff just “aint” going right in your life even though you’ve been doing exactly what God has told you to do. Time and time again, God tested my faithfulness to Him and time and time again I’d revert back to my old worldy ways – selfishness, sneaky ways, lying tongue, bitterness, jealousy, malicious talk, gossip, slander, complaints, blaming everyone but myself and prancing around as if I was doing God a favor by even being “saved” in the first place. (2 Corinthians 13:5) (What kind of crap is that? How in the heck would it look for me to have a heart attack, be saved by a doctor, and then wake up and tell Him “You’re welcome” as if I had done HIM a favor? Well, I sure did it to God).
Oh, we all love to hear about God’s blessings, favor, and goodness – but when it comes to that correction and discipline thing – we may hoop and holler in public – but we can totally check out in the heart area – and I was one of those people. What’s worse, in private, I was a complete and total wreck, fuming at God – oh but in public I was all “PRAISE YE ALLAH FOR ALL IS WELL AND YOU ARE GOOD” (Matthew 15:8) (rolls eyes at myself)…seriously, God is indeed a gracious God because I often want to smite myself when I think about it and had He, I couldn’t have been mad. One moment, I’d be growing in my effectiveness in God and the next I was murmuring and complaining acting like I had no Spiritual discipline and no God to answer to for my behavior. (2 Corinthians 5:10)